|SHE JUST DIDNT PUKE ENOUGH...
||[Feb. 11th, 2005|07:56 pm]
|||||joy electric... the phonograph plays||]|
A BIOGRAPHY BY K.R. AND B.W.
What makes America gag? Fat people. What makes America gag until it's stomach and intestines shred and shoot up its throat? Fat people superstars.
"It never would have worked," states an anonymous family member, "she was just too damn obese, we tried to stop her." A cruel statement, perhaps? No, we all know the truth hurts, but it hurts the rest of us more.
This is the life and times of Alyssa Simpson, the girl who just didn't puke enough.
Alyssa grew up in a small town called Port Orchard where she obsessed over fat boys that used her for sex. She pretended to be pregnany so that they would stay with her, but this never worked. Alyssa tried to fit in by puking and dying her hair black. She tried to be "grunge" with her unwashed hair and skin tight jeans.
None of this got her anywhere.
She had very few friends and everyone hated her. Even her parents.
Her parents told her that it was okay to have sex as long and she did not get pregnant.
However, there was one time where she did get pregnant by a 40 year old child pornographer named Earl. (Try Kazaa, you might find the video, however we do NOT recommend it.)
The funny thing is, Earl fucked her in the ass with a strap-on. So how did she become impregnated? No one knows, but rumor has it that she is flat out deformed.
Well, back to the point, when she got pregnant she was afraid her parents would get mad and stop buying her Slim Fast (how ironic!), so Alyssa Simpson took matters into her own hands with a closet coat hanger abortion. (No details necessary.) The results were horrifically painful (well, what the fuck did she expect?), so she went to an ASIAN doctor for help (does this bitch have ANY brains?).
It became a young prostitutes, oops, I mean SLUTS worst nightmare. Alyssa Simpson had destroyed her clitoris, and she had not even been pregnant.
This just shows how bright Alyssa Simpson really is. She couldn't even read an at home pregnancy test.
Now that Alyssa Simpson had ruined her clitoris NO ONE wanted her.
Not even her mentally disabled brother. Even he wanted nothing to do with her.
So as Alyssa Simpson looked for another mating partner, she got fatter and fatter. She began to get so big that mysterious holes began to appear in her jeans. This worked to her advantage because she considered this to be "hardcore punk rock", and this was now what she considered herself to be. She wore dog collars around her neck and drew anarchy signs on her clothes. Now that she wasn't "getting any", she began to feel depressed and unwanted. So she cut her wrists with safety scissors and put fake blood on the top of her "cuts". She wanted everyone to see these brutal attempts to kill herself so she wore tight revealing shirts that she purchased from the local Hot Topic. As we all know, Hot Topic is where all the original hardcore punk rock kids shop.
After a week of despair and desperate searching for sex, Alyssa Simpson decided it was time to do some "hardcore" drugs. She called up her good pedophile friend Earl and told him she was in need of a fix. He bought her a box of cheap donuts and gave her some E. Little did she know that "E" does not stand for "extraXcore", so she took it with her donuts and waited for the effects. Then she realized nothing was happening, partly because all the "extraXcore" had been tragically absorbed into her voluptuous rolls of lard and partly because she had no brain cells to kill, in fact she'd never had any brain cells in the first place. But since she was too mindless to know this, it was time to contact Earl yet again.
So she called Earl up and Earl told her that no drug would be able to "fuck her up" due to the fact that she is a fat bitch.
This made Alyssa Simpson very upset, so she decided to take a walk. As she was walking she spotted two very cool people (Britney and Katie). Alyssa Simpson walked up to them and tried to spark a conversation.
Britney and Katie looked at her blankly. They stood there for awhile in silence when up walks Rodney Schroeder's impregnated girlfriend.
So Britney and Katie took out their machine guns and killed them both.
Wait, we know what you are thinking, what about the baby?
Well it lived. For awhile at least. They gave Rodney custody, not knowing that he would end up eating the baby.
So this baby lived for a total of two weeks until Rodney grew hungry and he ate it like a burrito.